Selayang Hospital

We went to Selayang Hospital yesterday for Adriana's eye follow up. We have to check her eyes every 6 months, and yesterday was the 3rd time. As Selayang Hospital is a govertment hospital, so we went there early in the morning hoping that we will be able to see the doctor before 12 noon.

We reacjed there ar 8.00am, there was already a queue at the payment counter. The process in the Selayang Hospital is that first you have to take a number and wait at the payment counter to make the payment. This usually will take about 20 to 30 minutes. After you made yoru payment, then you have to go to your desired clinic and in Adriana's case Optomology Department. You passed your appointment card to the counter and you have to wait again for them to call you to give you your number. This also will take probably about 30 to 45 minutes.

After this you wait again, as for Adriana she has to see optomology first then the doctor. Again, we have to wait. We been thru these process twice before, so we sort of know what to expect. But yesterday the waiting period was ridicilous. We saw the optomology at 9.30am, and again at 10.30am, so we thought that by 11am we will be called to see the doctor, how wrong we were.

We were still waiting until 12.30 noon, by this time Adriana was restless beyond words, she kept crying and asking you to hold her. All the food that I bought were all finished. By this time, I lost my patience. I went to the reception counter and asked the nurse, who do I see if I want to lodge a complaint. She told me that I can see the sister(who is the person in charge of the nurses).

I went and saw the sister, told her about my dissatisfaction, she then asked me what time is my appointment-I told her that it was at 11am, and I'm still here at 12.30 noon. She then asked me what time I arrived at the hospital, told her that I was there at 8.30am. She then kindda of implied to me that it was my fault as I was supposed to be there 30 minutes before my appointment time, I then asked her if I come at say 10.30am would you guarantee that I will be able to see the doctor at 11am?? She told me no, but at least I don't have to wait for too long. I almost laught at her face.. Yeah, right..if I come at 10.30a, I bet I only be able to see the doctor at 3pm!!! But at least she listened to me.

We almost gave up yesterday, the only reason why we stayed was because this hospital is the only one that have a doctor that specialist in eyes and also a pediatric. So, we have no choice but to wait luckily for us the doctor is such a nice doctor, and she is good with Adriana which is what matter the most.

So, in another 6 months time the same thing will happen again.

Why???

Things are not going well in my life lately or in our life for that matter. Just when things are doing OK, another bad things happened to us. This is like a cycle in our life right now. And to tell the thruth, I'm sick of this situation...I really do. I do not know how long can I be in this situation without going crazy over it.

I know people would say be patient, there is a rainbow at the end of the road and blah..blah...blahh but how long is this road and how difficult it will be?? I need to know, I really do. I cannot do this anymore, just going to the road and face this obsticles and the hard work and believe me I have been to this road for the past 4 years and until now I still yet to find the rainbow!!!! Where is the d**m rainbow???

Sometimes I feel like this is payback time from Allah for all the sins that I committed before, is this so? And if this is so, isn't that enough already?? I'm good people, I try to be a good daughter to my parents, I visit them everyday(well the fact that my kids are with them does not count), I try to be a good mother, I spend time with my kids, I cook for them(not always but heh, I did), I sleep with them, I do anything for them. And of course I try to be a good wife but still I feel like this is all not enough. Why is my life end up like this?? Why no good things are happening to me?? WHY?WHY?

This is the question that I try to ask and I get no reply. None whatsoever. Try asking my husband and he keeps telling me be patients,try asking myself but I cannot find the answer. I'm sick of crying at night thinking about my life, I'm sick of having no money at the end of the month to buy things that I like just for the sake of having it. I'm tired of the fact that I HAVE to work and not that I WANT to work, I really do, and I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

And at this very moment this is how I feel

Hey God, I'm just a little man got a wife and family
But I almost lost the house, Yeah I bought into the dream
We're barely holding on when I'm in way too deep
We're two paychecks away from living out on the streets

She's a workin' single mom, like a Saint she don't complain
She never says a word, but she thinks that she's to blame
Her son just got convicted, he blew some punk away
She did her best to raise him, but the world got in the way

Hey God - Tell me what the hell is going on
Seems like all the good shit's gone
It keeps on getting harder hanging on
Hey God, there's nights you know I want to scream
These days you're even harder to believe
I know how busy you must be, but Hey God....
Do you ever think about me

Born into ghetto in 1991, just a happy child
Playing beneath the summer sun
A vacant lots' his playground, by 12 he's got a gun
The odds are bet against him, junior don't make 21

Hey God - Tell me what the hell is going on
Seems like all the good shit's gone
It keeps on getting harder hanging on
Hey God, there's nights you know I want to scream
These days you're even harder to believe
I know how busy you must be, but Hey God....
Do you ever think about me

I'd get down on my knees, I'm going to try this thing your way
Seen a dying man too proud to beg spit on his own grave
Was he too gone to save?
Did you even know his name?
Are you the one to blame, I got something to say

Hey God - Tell me what the hell is going on
Seems like all the good shit's gone
It keeps on getting harder hanging on
Hey God, there's nights you know I want to scream
These days you're even harder to believe
I know how busy you must be, but Hey God....
Do you ever think about me

I really do feel like that.......................

Weird dreams

I've been having this dreams so many times and it's kindda get into me. If I'm not mistaken, last night was the 3rd times I had the same dreams. I was dreaming that I was pregnant again.

The first time I had that dreams I thought well it was a dream so nothing to it. Then few months after that I had the pregnant dream again then last night AGAIN. It felt so real that when I woke up I felt that I was actually pregnant!!!

In real life, I'm not planning to have another kids. Both of us agreed on this. We felt that it won't be fair emotionally and financially to both Adriana and the new baby. Adriana needs our undivided love, care and money. And kids today are not cheap. I wish it would be the other way around as I really love kids but at the moment we just cannot to have another baby.

So far, ALLAH has been kind to us and HE agrees with our plan but this dreams started to bug me. What is my body or my subconcious mind is trying to tell me?? Is my biological clock is ticking again???

So, I do what any sane people would do, googled it and voila, this is what I found

I have been having this thought of quitting my job(well I had that since I first started working) but the thought become more intense this year. I ever told Amli that this year is definately my last year working, and Amli also is working on his project that if work out can give us financial freedom that we are working for our whole lives.

Maybe that is, maybe that is what my subconcious mind is trying to tell me. I really hope that is that, not my biological clock. I really don't think that I can go thru another labor pain and sleepless night-if I can help it, and believe me I'm doing everything thing I can to make sure that this dreams is the dreams that will not come true!!!